Society's views on understanding says that when someone is having a bad day, you should try to cheer them up. And apparently, the best way of cheering someone up is to tell them that you know how they feel! That you can understand how they feel, but look at you, you got through it. I'm thinking that many of you will catch on to this at least sounding ineffective. But the truth is, many of us do just this when someone is hurting. But what about the cheering up part? That's still good? I mean, we just need to find another way that's more effective.
Maybe. This is where discernment plays in, because I will admit that if a friend is moping around all the time, then sometimes getting them on their feet for a good day "with the guys" or "with the gals" is just what they need. However, sometimes you should also simply allow them to feel their pain. Sometimes, you should allow yourself to feel their pain with them, rather than say that "you know what they're going through." Go through it with them, and hurt with them. Paul says in Romans 12:15, "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep" (ESV). Notice that it doesn't say cheer them up. It doesn't say to tell them that we know how they feel. It commands that that we feel it with them, whatever it is that they are feeling. (And while I'm not going to focus on the rejoicing aspect in this post, it is equally important to also rejoice with your happy friends; it is, after all, the other half of that verse).
Remember that their pain is legitimate, and in fact, they deserve to feel it before you try to cheer them up. Trying to cheer someone up prematurely says that whatever is causing them pain "wasn't that big of a deal." Maybe you really believe that, depending on the situation but allow them to decide that for themselves before belittling what they had deemed important enough to hurt over in their life. As for telling them you know how they feel, aside from being another simple effort to simply cheer them up and thus saying the same thing, it doesn't really work to cheer anyone up. Just because you know that they are hurting isn't going to make them hurt less, and that's likely what they are thinking, even if they won't say it.
But to "weep with those who weep" can do a lot for another person. It reassures them that they are right to feel what they feel, and that their pain is valid, because in today's culture it can seem like what is expected of us is to simply shrug of any wound. It also eases the stress of thinking that they are simply a burden to everyone around them by showing them that you are okay with the fact that they are hurting, and in fact, you want to hurt with them because whatever it was, it was worth it.
That statement is actually the most valuable thing that they will be able to face with another person hurting with them. Again, society today seems to tell everyone that if you're hurting from something, then it wasn't worth it anyway, and I have such a vehement distaste for this statement that I won't even try wording it. But many of us will try to believe it, and fail, and hurt even more because of it. Obviously, we can't properly grieve if we don't allow ourselves to, but that's another thing we forget in our pain. What is good for us at that moment is the pain. It's allowing ourselves to face that we lost something important in our life, something that meant something to us. It frees us to be ourselves and to care, because lets face it, the only way we will avoid all pain is to avoid caring about anything. Bringing us back on topic, weeping with those who weep helps them to realize this and to sort through all of it with a shoulder to lean on. Facing down the throat of the monster called "pain" can sometimes seem very daunting alone, depending on what the pain is.
Now, in near contradiction to everything I just said, there will be those few rare times where we should allow the person hurting to lie to themselves. Popular belief today follows that we should face the pain head-on, when it's not telling us that we shouldn't be feeling it, and as everything I said before this paragraph indicates, for the most part I agree with that. But there will be times when someone is going through pain that is so tremendous that they simply aren't ready to face it, even with someone else, and we should be patient with them. Go ahead and allow themselves to lie to themselves that whatever it was wasn't worth it, because whatever it was was so much worth it that they really can't bear to look at what they lost yet. But still hurt with them. Give them plenty of hugs, when and where appropriate.
Wrapping all of this up in a nice, neat little package is quite simple this time. "Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep." Allow someone to hurt, and encourage them to by hurting with them.
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Again, dealing with a subject of this proportion, whatever questions you all may have or whatever you may desire to point it, go ahead and do so in a comment. I very much dislike sounding stupid and not knowing it, lol. As opposed to sounding stupid and being very aware of, which I'm quite fine with ;). Hope you all enjoy reading these and that they bless some lives! Shalom.
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