"But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair."

This quote by Relient K in their song "Be My Escape" is one that means a lot to me. It's one that I always try to remember as I live day to day, because it reminds me of every blessing that I have, have ever been given, and have yet to receive. It reminds me that no matter what I'm going through, I can still count myself truly blessed.

If you were anything like me, you will remember as a child always complaining to your parents that something "just wasn't fair." Little did we know all the sacrifices that they were making for us: all of the things they were providing us with, not the least of which being the love that we needed to survive even when we were babies.

And it's the same thing with God. Sometimes I'm tempted in life to complain about something, and it's like I'm telling God that what he has given me is not enough. I'm not satisfied with the day or week or month that he's given me, and it's "just not fair." But then I remember what I deserve. I remember who I've been, and I have to say, I've been truly blessed to have had a point in my life where I truly hated myself because I had faced down the monster that I really was and could be.

We all like to believe we're good, and on a normal day maybe we could get away with it, but I was brought face to face with the beast that lied dormant deep within me and threatened to engulf all that I was in bitterness and hatred. I had seen everything that I cared about torn down and destroyed by my own hands, the blood of loved ones staining me as well. It was in this point in my life that I saw how I so clearly deserved hell. Not only that, I saw how little I deserved any bit of happiness in life.

God brought me out of this time, but I have never forgotten it, and hope I never do. The beauty of his love is so much more clear to me now; the knowledge of what he has saved me from creates a gratitude in me that reminds me that I owe him everything, and he owes me nothing. But he is still constantly and readily blessing my life every day in so many ways. He has blessed me with my wonderful friends, my family, my life. He has blessed me in giving me a chance to have a purpose. He has blessed me in taking the monster that I was and turning him into a man of faith in him, a man of love and compassion for others, a man that he could be pleased with. Most of all, my Lord has blessed me with himself. His love, his guidance, his limitless time is all for me to claim every day of my life, and without it everything would be meaningless. My body would be nothing more than dust that is formed into these organs and this blood that courses through me and sustains my life here until death.

So I fully track with Relient K when they say "the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." I want to always remind myself of this, for this is when I can allow myself to find true joy with what I've been given and what I've been saved from rather than focusing on what I don't have and becoming bitter or ungrateful. It isn't for God's sake that I remember this, but for my own happiness that he blesses me to remember it.

"I fought you for so long, I should have let you win. Oh how we regret those things we do. And all I was trying to do was save my own skin, oh, but so were you."

Shalom.

Post blog notes.

This post is in no way meant to diminish the validity of the pain that is in the world or that each of us can face; this post is meant to be an attack against cynicism and bitterness that can creep into life through ungratefulness for what you have or don't have. I also realize that depression and hopelessness are very real, and very hard to shake. I've been through it before, and I know that the best way to fight it is certainly not by telling yourself that you should be happier. If you are depressed, I encourage you to stop trying to not be. That statement may sound weird, but depression, many times, is a hole that forms inside of you when you fail to acknowledge hurt that is in your life and deal with it. This dealing with it, many times, is simply allowing yourself to feel it and not chastise yourself for being "weak." To be perfectly blunt, pain is a gift from God. Pain is what forms when something you care about goes wrong, gets taken away or gets destroyed, and to love and care about anything is always a blessing. In the end, pain will also always make you stronger if you are eventually willing to face it and not run away.

Praise God that he has allowed you to feel hurt for this world and the things you care about. It will also turn you into a more compassionate person that can see the hurt in others and be used to comfort them.